Recently a client was struggling with needing to say something to her mom. What's important to know here is she told me she said things in the past about the situation but nothing was changing. As I probed a little bit more I came to realize that nothing had changed because she wasn't saying what she really wanted and needed to say.
She was speaking around the real issue but that will never create your desired outcome. Of course, even when you do speak directly to the issue at hand, there's no guarantee you're going to end up with the desired outcome either - but you increase your chances greatly!
We went through a practice run - I was mom and she worked on expressing her truth. It took about 15 minutes, but eventually, the perfect words showed up. What she said next is not unusual when people are scared to stand up for themselves - "That felt great! But I don't think I can say that to my mom. I'm afraid I'll hurt her feelings."
Here's what I want you to know. The way she expressed her truth was so loving and heartfelt, with only the best intentions. The way her mom chose to receive it was not something she should be worrying about. For years she's been sacrificing her happiness just to keep her mother from giving her grief.
As I often do in these situations I had her hang up the phone and call her mom - sharing with her what she beautifully practiced on me - and then call me back after they spoke - she did. The result was fabulous! (I knew it would be) We had a good laugh because her mom said, "Why didn't you just tell me this in the first place. I would have understood. I want nothing more for you than to be happy."
In a matter of 20 minutes their entire relationship turned around and now they're closer than ever. When you lead with your heart and deliver what you have to say in a loving and responsible way, you will, more often than not, receive the outcome you desire. If you don't, that doesn't mean you shouldn't have spoken up. It simply means the other person isn't willing or ready to take responsibility for their part. In a situation like that, simply stay in the love. Remain patient. Keep speaking and doing what you need to, in order to be moving forward in your life. It can take time some time - just hang in there.
If things aren't changing over time, well, sometimes that hard decision has to be made to have that person in your life less or let him/her go altogether - depending on the severity of the circumstances.
In the meantime - Be direct. Really!
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