Awaken the Genie Within

Queen of Candor

I recently emailed a colleague a question about getting in touch with someone for some information. The response I got from her was a possibility in the back of my mind and although I was a wee bit disappointed I understood her position.

What had me laughing out loud, though, was what she put at the end of her email - Queen of Candor. You see, she was quite matter of fact, direct, and honest - everything I love when communicating with someone. Being the Queen of Candor is something she can be proud of in my humble opinion because people always know where they stand with her - there's no wondering or second guessing.

Since the majority of my coaching practice is working with people on all kinds of relationships, I have seen time and time again how difficult it is for people to be the Queen of Candor. There is a great deal of fear around speaking the truth because of their concern how the other person is going to react or not wanting to hurt someone's feelings. Eventually, though, if the relationship is going to move forward or an issue be resolved, the truth must be spoken - straightforward, no more dancing around. 

Speaking matter of factly and directly can be done calmly and with grace when your intention is to work things out for the highest good of all concerned. In all the years I've been coaching people on their relationship issues, there has never been a time, after supporting them to speak candidly, that the overall result wasn't for the better.  

I can't stress to you enough, the more you practice being the Queen (or King!) of Candor the easier it gets and your relationships will be better off for it - personal and business. And, yes, sometimes that means some relationships will come to a close. 

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Speaking of being straightforward - with the holidays not so slowly creeping up on us why not get yourself or a loved one a wonderful gift that gives the courage and know how to become the Queen of Candor and so much more! It's my book! Awaken The Genie Within

 

     

A New Friend

I have a new friend. When I became friends with her I thought I would be the one serving her, keeping her spirits up, supporting her in any way she needed support. Boy was I ever wrong! As it turns out, she serves me so much more!

She's gracious and joyful and always glad to see me. She never complains and always looks on the bright side of life. She never judges and simply takes life in stride. Her name is Ann.

Ann became my friend when I started volunteering at a home for the elderly to spend time with people who don't receive many visitors. Turns out I hit the jackpot having the opportunity to be in her presence every week and listen to the stories about her life - a life that wasn't easy at all. But that didn't stop Ann from being happy.

As she told me, "It's my life and moanin' and groanin' about it ain't going to make it any different. So I just decided to accept whatever came my way and do my best to keep on goin'. A long time ago I figured out that when I smiled even the heartache seemed a little less painful and eventually the sun was shining on me again, never fails."

Ann is living proof that that attitude not only makes a difference in how we feel but in how we look. When I first met her she asked me how old I thought she was. When I said about 80 she just gave me a sly little smile and proudly said, "I'm 100 years old and in December I'll be 101!" I was speechless and in that moment I knew I was in the presence of someone very special.

When I grow up I want to be just like Ann!

You Can't With Some People

Those words were spoken by a gentleman as he was leaving the office of our chiropractor, Kim. Now Kim doesn't do traditional adjustments, although when absolutely necessary she will. But for the most part, she brings you back into alignment by clearing any negative energy and emotions stored in your body enabling you to heal more deeply.

The words she said to the man leaving were, "Stay joyful and peaceful while you're with them." To which he responded, "Well, the fact is you can't with some people and when I'm with these people there's no chance of being joyful or at peace." And then he was gone. 

Now Kim knows the work I do with my clients and in that moment we just locked eyes and gave each other a knowing smile. A smile that said, "Actually, you can, when you're willing to take responsibility for your own emotions and not let others control how you feel."

For this man, he was right because it's his truth. I'm going to assume he's never known it to be any other way when he's with people who are difficult or unpleasant. But what he doesn't realize is every time he allows himself to go to that unpleasant place with them, he's giving all his power away because he believes he doesn't have a choice.

The bottom line is this; you always, always, always have a choice as to how you want to respond to someone. How you want to feel. How you want to behave. Is it easy to stay in that place of peace and joy during challenging situations with others? Absolutely not! But that doesn't mean it's impossible. 

Does it take work? Yes! It requires a lot of practice. Taking several deep breaths in the moment. Taking a moment to gain your composure before you speak. And doing your best to not take things so personally. All of these things gets you on the road to gaining control over your emotional energy - moving from your Gremlin thinking into your Genie awareness. It is living in that new awareness that will support your highest good and bring you the peace and joy we all strive for in life.

Rules of Marriage

The following was too funny to pass up sharing with you. It's the rules of marriage from a kid's perspective.

Enjoy!

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? 

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan,  age 10 

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. Kristen, age 10

 2.  WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE  TO GET MARRIED? 

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. Camille, age 10

 3.  HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF 2 PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? 

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. Derrick, age 8

 4.  WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? 

Both don't want any more kids. Lori, age 8 

 5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? 

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, age 10

 6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? 

When they're rich. Pam, age 7 

 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. Curt, age 7 

 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. Howard, age 8

 7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?   

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Anita, age 9 

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? 

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? Kelvin, age 8

 And the #1 Favorite is ............

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. Ricky, age 10  

You Don't Have To Understand

It's very common for my clients to want to understand why they behave in ways that doesn't serve them. What I tell them is this; "You really don't have to understand the reason behind your actions in order to create change." This can leave them baffled until I share with them what I'd like to share with you, too.

When you continuously focus on the why, it can keep you turning in circles instead of walking forward. Your Gremlin looooves to have you play, what I call, the NUT game - Needing Understanding Today! Doing this keeps you in your head where your Gremlin resides and keeps your thinking at the same level of existence as the behavior you don't like.

Your Genie, on the other hand, knows that it's more important to simply recognize the behavior that isn't serving you and then make the choice to come up with new ways to do things differently. You'll have to ask yourself new questions such as - "What behavior would make me feel better?" What is it I really want for myself?" "What action would support me better?"

You see, when you know there's a behavior that isn't serving you, that means there's also a part of you that knows what you could do differently that would feel better and serve you. You tap into that part of you by choosing to step outside of your comfort zone to try on new behaviors and see which one fits best.

As crazy as it sounds, you are in your comfort zone even when you're not happy with the way you're behaving because it's the way you know yourself best and the unknown scares people - stopping them dead in their tracks.

As you move into curiosity and consider new possible behaviors, you're no longer stuck in your Gremlin's thinking. That opens the door for you to discover a behavior that feels better, serves you better and in time, allows you to walk forward and through the open door.

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44 Life Lessons

 Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?".

26. Always choose life.

27. Forgive everyone for everything.

28. What other people think of you is none of your business.

29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.

30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

31. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

32. Believe in miracles.

33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

36. Your children get only one childhood.

37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

41. The best is yet to come.

42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

43. Yield.

44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Have a safe and fun Labor Day Weekend!

Don't Wait - Do It Now

My friend's wife passed on a few months ago. They were one of the fortunate ones - they loved each other deeply and reminded each other of this everyday. Yesterday he shared with me a photo album that he put together in her memory. It was originally supposed to be for her 60th birthday. Unfortunately, she moved on just a few months shy of that date so he made some additions to the album because of this.

Included in the album were many of the emails he received from family and friends expressing their condolences and how much she meant to them. What struck me, however, was the fact that 90% of them shared their regret of not following through with the fun plans they talked about doing together when worked slowed down and life was a little less hectic. Their heartache for not making time for those plans in the present was so apparent that it brought tears to my eyes and reminded me, there's no future to wait for because it's here, right now.

If you're always talking about the things you want to do with those you care about but aren't doing them then stop talking about it or do it. Make the time because we all know there's one thing we don't know - how much time we have left.

Let my friend be an example and tell those you love in your life that you love them, often. And while you're at it, thank them for being there.

Don't wait - do it now.

Connecting With the Grocery Man

There's a very special man who works at the checkout line at my local grocery store. He's special because he always finds some way to have a connection with every person that goes through his line beyond the usual, "Hi, how are you?"

Jeff might say, "Hi! Great to see you." Or "Hi! I hope you're having a good day today." Or a myriad of other comments that are spontaneous and genuine. You can feel his desire to really connect in the moment. It doesn't feel fake or forced - it's just Jeff being Jeff. One day I bought myself something premade for dinner and he said, "Wait, you didn't get anything to drink with this." I just laughed and said, I have something to drink at home so I'm good to go." To which he responded, "Perfect!" We chatted a bit more and and when he finished my check out he said, "Enjoy your dinner. See you soon."

Now some people could be put off by this, but not me. And from what I've witnessed, most are more than happy to step beyond the usual "How are you?" with him and experience his heart.

What's even more wonderful is how he never allows the occasional grouchy customer lessen his desire to share his best with them. How do I know this? I've asked and he told me that their attitude has nothing to do with his. Gotta love that!

I view the Jeffs in the world as people who understand that we all matter and when we give the best of ourselves in the moment we're letting others know, they matter. He inspires me. And every time I connect with the grocery man I am reminded to give the best of myself to others, too.

Perhaps this story will inspire you to do the same.

Eunice Shriver

As you may know, Eunice Shriver passed away on Tuesday and because I've had such great admiration for her I found myself wanting to write something to honor this remarkable woman. A woman who introduced the world to the Special Olympics - growing it from a blip on the radar to a world renown organization that changed the lives of hundreds of thousands of people over the past 41 years. Creating a forum that allowed us to embrace our differences on all levels and turn us into a community of One in the truest sense of the word.

While I was in the process of thinking about what I wanted to write I ended up reading something Sandy, another blog writer wrote, and decided to let her beautiful words do the honoring for both of us.

If you would like to see what she wrote please click Feed Your Dog to be taken to her blog page.

A Perfect Mirror

While attending a small dinner party at a girlfriend's house I was faced with something that actually surprised me. One of the women I met that evening brought up all sorts of emotion in me - and I'm not talking about the happy, peaceful kind. I'm talking about the kind that makes my heart contract instead of expand. Quite honestly it took all my power to not let my evening be consumed by her, so I didn't miss out on all the other people I was enjoying so much.

As the evening went on something occurred to me - she was a perfect mirror showing me my past behaviors that I have worked so hard to transform and realized that some of those behaviors I am still working on transforming. Now, I'd like to tell you, that once I realized this, I found myself in a state of peace with her and my heart expanded tenfold, but that would be a lie.

You see, although I realized she was being a perfect mirror for me in the moment, I still wanted to strangle her at times. Yes, I'm obviously a work in progress and I know I always will be.

It's been a few days since meeting this woman and I have put my energy into being grateful for her revealing more of me to myself. I continue to open my heart toward her but more importantly toward myself - allowing me to continue to work on and transform that part of me that lingers within so I may move into greater love each and every day.

It's so much easier to make other person the bad guy. But when we find ourselves reacting really strongly to someone's behavior and allow it to consume us for hours, days, weeks or longer, I promise you, it's always something in us that we haven't transformed or come to peace with yet.