Awaken the Genie Within

Confrontation

After a talk I gave recently a woman came up to me wanting some guidance on a situation that's she's been afraid to face involving another person. She expressed how much she hates confrontation and it keeps her from sharing her truth and concerns, often.

When she was done speaking I asked her a question: "Why are you automatically assuming this is going to be a confrontation?"

She said, "I guess because I'm afraid she's not going to be happy with what I want to say and it's going to make her angry."

Because there were others waiting to talk to me I quickly shared something with her that gave her enough to ponder and give it a try.

"When you come from a place of integrity and truth with no intention to hurt another human being, saying what you need to say without blame and with responsibility for your part, how she reacts is out of your hands. If anger shows up in the moment, you have a choice. You can step into her anger creating the confrontation you're afraid of, or, you can remain in a state of calm while holding a space for love and compassion as you do your best to understand her feelings and still honor your own. A confrontation cannot exist without two people participating in it."

Helping others speak their truth is a huge part of my coaching practice. I know it's scary to step up and say what's true for you when you're so concerned with how someone's going to react. But if there's anything I've learned while breaking through my own fears of confrontation it's this; there is nothing more empowering and loving than being able to express ourselves in a way that not only honors our truth but allows us to hold a place for compassion and respect for the other person.

Whether it's needing to move on from a relationship or solve a business issue, the more you stand in your intention to resolve or move on for the highest good of all concerned, the sooner you'll realize that there never needs to be a confrontation in your life again. I invite you to drop the word confrontation from your vocabulary. The word itself holds a lower vibrational energy that creates the fear within and sets the stage before you've even stepped on to it.

P.S. Megan, the woman from my talk, called to let me know she applied what I shared and was blown away how well it all turned out. The other woman did get angry but Megan stayed centered and after about 10 minutes they were able to talk calmly and come to an understanding that pleased both of them.

Living It Over and Over Again

Lately I've been hearing a similar theme with my clients. They experience something in their life one, two or maybe three times, and even though the situation is over they are still living it over and over again - often hundreds of times - and sometimes for years.

How do they do that? By visiting it again and again in their minds. By speaking about it as though it were still happening. If you went through an experience with someone or several people and it hurt you physically or emotionally, the more you relive it in your mind, the more you get to re-experience it as though it were still happening.

Maybe you were just the observer of a situation and it made you uncomfortable or angry. Once you've removed yourself from being there, it's over for you. Unless, of course, you're allowing yourself to live it over and over again in your mind.

Every time you relive upsetting past experiences, you keep yourself from moving forward and allowing for the possibility that something different can show up for you or for all the people involved. You set up an energy within that doesn't allow for any change to take place. You have created your own prison and until you choose a new thinking that serves your higher good, it's as though you've thrown away the key that unlocks the prison door.

Take an honest look at how many times you may be reliving those upsetting experiences in your life. Perhaps it never occurred to you that every time you go back to one of them in your mind, that you're the only one in the moment whose causing you pain, not the other person or people involved in the experience. The pain you're feeling is truly self-inflicted.

Personally, I believe you deserve to treat yourself better than that!

 

A Lesson From Basketball

I am a huuuuuge basketball fan and in my wildest dreams I never thought I'd hear a basketball announcer say something that is in complete alignment with my philosophy in life and something I emphasize over and over again in my coaching practice.

During a Los Angeles Lakers basketball game the announcer was talking about a particular player who always has a good time, whether he's on the bench or on the court - Ronny Turiaf. He talked about the fact that there are players in the league who only focus on what's going wrong during a game. Why things aren't working. But Ronny isn't one of them. He's the player that looks at what is working. And it's that enthusiasm and attitude that can bring out the best in his teammates and help them shift their mindset to make the changes necessary to improve their situation.

To watch Ronny on the bench is as much fun as to watch him on the court. It doesn't seem to matter how ridiculous he may look. Whatever joy he's feeling, he's going to show it. Whatever encouragement needs to be given he's giving it - including to himself! It's obvious he loves life and he's looking for what is working in the moment.

Life, like basketball, is a game to be played when you're willing to step onto the court and play full out. No, you're not always going to make all your shots. And sometimes there's going to be bumps and bruises along the way to making your shots. But the more you continue to focus on what is working instead of what's wrong, the more shots your going to make and the more fun you're going to have in the process.

Why not take a few moments right now to list everything that is working in your life. And remember, it's not just about the big 3 point shots, the easy layups are just as significant.

Hearing the Broadcast and Taking Action

While attending my spiritual church of Agape on Sunday, Reverend Michael shared a wonderful story that I'd like to share with you. He was talking about hearing the broadcasts we receive that shows up as that still, small voice within. And not just hearing it, but taking the action that it will often invite us to do.

About a week ago he was in pain due to swelling in his throat. As he lay in bed surrendering to God and asking for support to ease his pain, his phone rang - it was his 4 year old grandson. Prior to making the call, his grandson was taking a bath, and in the middle of the bath he told his mom that he needed to "call Papa right now." Mom dried him off and let him do so.

Reverend Michael picked up the phone and the next thing he heard was, "Papa, you have my heart. I just wanted to tell you, you have my heart." With tears in his eyes, he felt the love of God through his grandson and his pain eased immediately. He knew that God had reached him via his grandson and because 4 year olds are so open to hearing the messages and taking action, he was able to fulfill the need in a magnificent way.

How often do you hear that voice within and ignore it because of a multitude of reasons you tell yourself? It's too silly. I'm too embarrassed. I'm too busy right now. I'm sure he or she doesn't want to be disturbed. I'm in the middle of a bath!

Next time you hear the broadcast, think less and act more. You just might be the messenger for a higher Source in the moment.

No Words Needed

I've been working with a client for about a month who came to me because she was going through a very difficult time in her marriage. She truly believed the only way to have peace and happiness back in her life and her children's life, was to end the marriage unless her husband made some drastic changes.

I had a different thought. Before we began I told her I would only work with her if she was willing to first look inward and see what changes she needed to make and then take action around those changes. Reluctantly, she agreed. Well, as often is the case, even without her husband making drastic changes, the changes she's making has brought her great peace and created more harmony in the family.

She said something to me the other day that just made me all warm and fuzzy inside because I know how true it is.

"Without words, I'm starting to say more things."

She went on to explain that the less she reacts to his behaviors, reactions or moods, the quicker he shifts into a nicer person.

"He's starting to see I'm not willing to keep playing the game and my children are more relaxed and happy."

There's still work to be done as she continues to learn more about herself, but what has been accomplished in just three sessions is a great credit to her willingness to no longer place blame and to be the best person she can be, not just to her family, but to herself.

When you are truly open to exploring what part you play in any area of your life that's not working, you bring yourself closer to knowing the truth and experiencing real change inside and out.

Let the Expert Take the Lead

It's funny how much longer something takes when someone keeps interrupting with what he or she thinks you're going to say next. Well, I'm here to admit, that someone I'm talking about just happens to be me!

The other day I was having some technical difficulties with my computer and was feeling rather anxious about it because it meant not being able to get the work done that I needed to get done by a certain time frame. When I was on the phone with the tech support guy I found myself listening to what he would say to do next, only to jump in every 30 seconds or so telling this poor guy what I thought he was going to tell me to do after that. His response, each and every time was, "Nope. Now you need to..." He never lost his cool. His demeanor was always very pleasant and patient while I continued to jump in trying to stay a step ahead assuming this would move things along more quickly.

After about 5 minutes into the conversation it finally occurred to me that all I was doing was slowing the process down and sounding like a complete nut case! Not to mention being incredibly rude. So guess what I did? I shut up and listened. Imagine that! When I did this, that's when everything moved along more quickly and smoothly. He didn't have to repeat himself and I didn't have to ask any silly questions because I missed what he said. And, as to be expected, I only remember all the techy stuff he taught me after I stopped interrupting with my brilliant assumptions.

I suppose I'm not the only person on the planet who's done this and so I share this story with you as a gentle reminder. When something goes wrong and you need assistance, take a deep breath, be a good student and let the expert take the lead. Not only will time be saved but you'll actually remember what you heard!

Perfect Emotional Energy Management

While in the bank there was an older gentleman next to me who was rather upset. In a fairly loud voice he was expressing his frustration to the bank manager about his situation. As his frustration continued to escalate I watched the bank manager for his reaction. There wasn't one moment when he lost his cool. Even his face continued to have a look of compassion and patience for this gentleman.

What was interesting, is the older gentleman seemed to be getting more frustrated the calmer the bank manager remained as he listened patiently without apparent judgment.

Finally he said to the gentleman, "If I'm hearing you correctly, you would like me to make the call to the bank headquarters because you believe this is a situation to be handled by a bank employee and not you. Is that correct?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I want!" responded the gentleman, gruffly.
The manager then said, "That won't be a problem. Just give me the paperwork and I'll take care of it now."

I watched the gentleman's reaction and he truly seemed perplexed. He appeared to be ready for more of a fight, as if he were expecting resistance from the manager. When that didn't happen, he literally stumbled over his words, maintaining some of his gruffness, but now doing whatever he could to back off with some of his dignity in tact.

Within a matter of minutes, the manager returned and the problem was resolved. The manager stuck his hand out and the two men shook hands. "It's been a pleasure being able to help you, please come back again soon." said the manager.

The gentleman mumbled a thank you and off he went - probably trying to understand why it all went so smoothly. My guess is he's used to coming up against people who get sucked right into his energy and then they're off to the races - attracting resistance wherever he goes.

I complemented the manager on the way he handled this gentleman and what he said to me was just perfect! "Before he came in here I was having a wonderful day. I saw no reason to let someone else ruin that for me no matter what the situation."

Now that's what we all need to remember when we're faced with a situation that can suck us in and ruin our wonderful day.

Take Back Your Power

When my girlfriend told me that she finally took back her power I wanted to shout it out to the world. I was so thrilled that she decided to step up to the plate in two areas of her life - work and her kids.  Hesitating for way too many months to speak her truth, she literally woke up one morning fed up with walking on eggshells and worrying about everyone else's reactions if she said what she needed to say. So she wrote her three kids and boss separate emails, addressing the issues relating to each person.

For the first time she told the truth about things that she had been holding back because she feared she would hurt her children's feelings and that she might lose her job. When she told me the things she wrote, I even found myself wondering if this would blow up in her face. However, my Genie within knew, with the conviction and confidence she was feeling, no matter what the result, she would be fine. Why? Because it was her truth and it needed to be expressed so she could free herself from her self-imposed prison. This was the only way she would be able to move to the next level in her life.

Her choice paid off big time. Her boss took her words to heart and gave her a promotion along with a raise. Her kids thanked her for giving them the wake up call they needed inspiring them to take the action that was necessary for improvements. All this, just because she chose to take back her power.

Who have you given your power away to? How would your life improve if you took back your power? When you've come up with those answers, decide what you can do to take back your power and go for it with a vengeance.

Can We Focus On the Solution?

The man on the other end of the phone asked me that question when I repeated myself about a financial issue that was still not handled as promised weeks ago. The minute he asked the question I realized that I was more invested in hanging on to my story a little while longer - the one about what they did wrong instead of being willing to move on to the solution. It was obvious my way wasn't going to get us anywhere and this poor soul wasn't even the person I originally dealt with.

My buttons were pushed big time the minute the question was asked. I knew I was now wrong in my behavior and I either had to shift my focus or it was going to be a long and miserable conversation. I'd like to tell you that the shift occurred with grace but I'm afraid I can't. It took a few minutes for my Gremlin to simmer down and once I calmed down we were done with the conversation in five minutes. This gentleman knew what needed to be done and I stopped him from proving his expertise for the first ten minutes of the call!

It never fails to amaze me how powerful the Gremlin is and how much it wants to be in control and right! It would rather be right than happy. Although, I suppose from our Gremlin's perspective, needing to be right makes it happy!

How often do you find yourself repeating what's not working to people just to make sure they know they screwed up? We all do it from time to time, so no need to beat yourself up about it. Just be willing to notice when you're headed in that direction and once you see it happening make the choice to change directions and focus on the solution.

And I do promise you, when you do, you will feel sooooo much better!

There's Always Another Side

A girlfriend was telling me about some things that were going on with her elderly parents and the very emotional stuff she went through with her dad while growing up. After about 10 minutes she said, "But I also have to say, he always bought me that new bicycle I wanted. He took me to the skating rink knowing I loved to skate and he bought me clothes I liked."

As she shared this other side of her childhood, it occurred to me how often we ignore the joyful times that happened because the less than joyful experiences have clouded our memory for so long - especially if those experiences were traumatic. And the more time we spend in the cloud, the more it can feel like there wasn't one moment of joy.

When my friend finished sharing some of the fun times she had with her dad, she expressed how much better it felt talking about those good times than all the other heavy stuff. It allowed her to see her dad in a different light than she usually does and it gave her the ability to have more compassion for him - realizing there was a human being, who at some level, really did care and was doing the best he knew how.

I obviously don't know your personal history, but I'm inviting you to revisit it in a way that allows you to look at it with new eyes. It doesn't have to just be about parents. It can be with any relationship you find yourself telling stories about that come from the heavy bag. Open the lighter bag and search for the moments that brought you some joy - even if they were short-lived. Then maybe, you could share those moments with someone who's only heard about the other moments.