If there's one thing your Gremlin does best it's preying on your fears. The stories It tells you to hold you back are creatively brilliant and all a bunch of hog wosh.
And when you recognize the hog wosh you'll find your Genie waiting patiently in the wings ready to tell you a new story that will help you muster up your strength to step toward your courage and no longer retreat.
The following video is a fabulous example of moving out of fear and toward your courage.
Flying home from vacation I watched a movie called The Adjustment Bureau. If you haven't seen it, it's basically about all humans having a master plan that they are not aware of which needs to be adhered to throughout their life. It's up to the bureau to keep that plan in place.
Warning: before you read further I do reveal the ending. :-)
When the two main characters, Matt Damon and Emily Blunt, fall in love this creates havoc for the bureau and they are determined to keep them apart at all costs in order to ensure there is no deviation from the master plan drawn up by "The Chairman" for the future of all humankind.
Damon ends up learning about the bureau's plan and ultimately decides not to accept it. Toward the end of the movie he and Blunt run for their life to stay together. When they become trapped with no where else to run, they are met by "The Chairman" who shows them the book with their plan. They watched the plan change before their eyes allowing them to be together. When Damon asked why he rewrote the plan for them, The Chairman said:
"We won't rewrite the plan you will."
It was their absolute will and determination that rewrote their plan and it could not be denied - not even by "The Chairman".
Now I know that this is just a movie, but that statement - "We won't rewrite the plan you will." spoke a great truth.
It's always up to us to do whatever we need to do in order to rewrite a plan that isn't working for us. Is that an easy thing to do? Usually not. And our Gremlin will give us all sorts of seemingly brilliant reasons why we shouldn't mess with the plan. But the fact is when the plan isn't in our best interest, we've got to rewrite it. And the only way that plan is going to be rewritten is by making a conscious decision to take a stance and start over again.
What needs to be rewritten in your life?
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So there I am standing behind a guy in line at the grocery store. He appears to be talking out loud to himself, but with a slight turn of his head I see the bluetooth in his ear.
Now it's his turn at the check out and I'm thinking he'll hang up or at least tell the person on the other end of the phone to hold on - nope - didn't happen.
In the meantime, the check out woman, Maria, is asking him if he wants plastic or paper - no response - she looks rather annoyed - can't blame her.
Then she says, "Please swipe your card." Nothing. "Sir, please swipe your card!" Without a glance to Maria or stopping his conversation, he swipes his card. "Sir, please sign." Nothing. "Sir? Oh forget it!" She grabs the pen to draw a line across the payment terminal and activates the sale.
She puts his stuff in a bag of her choice and off he goes. Not once did he acknowledge her, verbally or visually - it was if she didn't exist and it blew me away.
I looked at Maria and she looked at me and then said, "How rude can you get? Is it too much to get a simple, 'Hello. Plastic please. Thank you.' Apparently for him it is!"
And with that I smiled and said, "Hi, Maria. How are you? and I've got my own bags, thank you!" We both laughed and after a few other friendly words I was on my way.
As wonderful as technology can be it absolutely has it's downside. And this is definitely one of them. When we get so caught up in our technology that we've completely disconnected from the human being in front of us, that's a problem. If the technology grid shut down throughout the world the only thing we'd have left to connect with is each other. Face to face. Human to human.
If you're someone who loves your technology all I ask is that you pay attention to where it might interfere with your ability to fully be with the person who's in the room with you in the moment. Afterall, your technology doesn't have feelings, but that human being does.
George Bernard Shaw once said - "The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them."
Sometimes a client will tell me that the people in their life don’t understand them or will try to maintain the relationship as it has been in the past now that they’ve embarked on their journey of self-discovery and awakening to a greater truth within.
I empathize and relate deeply. In the beginning years of my personal growth, I often experienced a feeling of being misunderstood by those I was closest to. This saddened and frustrated me to no end. No matter how much I shared of my new Self – behavior, beliefs, boundaries – they just didn’t seem to want to accept it, creating anger between us and leaving me to wonder if there was anyone in my life that I could connect with anymore. With time and a new understanding on my part, all that changed.
What I’ve come to understand is it’s simply a journey and one with a process. The distance, anger, frustration and confusion are about fear. Our growth changes the dynamic of the entire relationship when people haven’t been traveling that path with us, and that can be scary. Everyone involved may wonder if it will create a permanent chasm in the relationship, or at the very worst, end it altogether – which, if I’m being perfectly honest here, is sometimes for the best.
The fact is, when we start out on our path of personal growth it takes time to evolve and we need that time in order to master our new Self. As we become trusting, comfortable and joyful with our new Self, it gives us the courage to more easily embrace greater opportunities for ongoing growth.
I have learned that it’s important to give those you want in your life, the same gift of time you gave yourself so they can make their own internal adjustments about you, the relationship and even themselves. Allow them to grow at their own pace just as you did for yourself. Allow them to attempt to maintain the status quo if that's what makes them feel safe, while you continue to do what feels best for you. Allow them their frustration without creating your own frustration.
Is it easy? Usually not. But I do know one thing for sure. The more consistently you show up as your new Self, and the more patient and loving you are with your loved ones, the safer and easier you’ll make it for them to trust the relationship in its new form, strengthening the love along the way and reaching the place of being understood.
My husband and I had a meeting scheduled with a contractor last Saturday morning to discuss some work to be done on our driveway. Now, while many contractors show up later than scheduled in our experience, this gentleman was 25 minutes early.
When I saw him pull up I got annoyed and I started complaining how rude it was for this guy to show up before our scheduled time especially because it was already early for a Saturday morning.You see, my husband had gotten home from work at 1:30am and he had a rough week with very long hours, so sleep was lacking. Knowing how exhausted he was, I had just finished making him breakfast to get some fuel in him so he could think straight when talking with the contractor. The doorbell rang and breakfast would have to wait – I was still very uptight about it.
The meeting ended a half hour later and my husband sat down to finally eat breakfast. He asked me why I was so upset about the early arrival since it wasn’t in my nature to let things like that bother me.
I told him: “You’ve worked so hard this week and got home so late every night that I was feeling very protective of your time and energy. I wanted you to get some food in you and have time to clear the cobwebs.”
He responded with: “Honey, I love that you wanted to take care of me that way, but I don’t need protecting. I’m a big boy and having to wait for some food a little while long wasn’t going to kill me. And honestly, I was happy he was early!”
That’s when I realized what I had actually done. I created an emotion in me based on the assumption that my husband would be upset with the early arrival because of his exhaustion. Therefore, I fabricated being upset for him so he didn’t get upset. I was literally trying to deflect an emotion of his - wow!
Do you ever protect people from their own emotions? The reasons can be varied but it’s worth looking at. When someone is a big boy or girl, it’s not up to us to protect them from their emotions. They're allowed whatever emotions they're having and then it's up to us to manage our own emotional energy in a way that not only supports us best but is authentic and not some fabrication of someone else's emotion.
And you know what? You might be pleasantly surprised how the other person is feeling about the situation! Take it from someone who now knows!
It's quite apparent from this video that my job as a Relationship/Life Coach has been replaced by cats. Everything they share on this video is what I've said to my clients over the years and it's information worth being reminded about. If this doesn't bring a smile to your face and inspire you to have a good day you might want to give me a call! :-)
Enjoy!
A little boy, who was 6 or 7 years old, was running in circles between his dad and the mail slot at the counter in our local post office/store. His dad was placing stamps on envelopes and the boy was placing one envelope at a time into the slot. It went on for the entire time I was there and still happening when I left.
What was fascinating to me was the different reactions people were having who were waiting in line to mail their items - the slot was at the counter which meant the boy would run by us as he did his "job". Myself and a couple of other people thought he was actually quite sweet. He always made sure he didn't bump into anyone or get in anyone's way as they stepped up to the counter.
However, there were several people who were mumbling things to others like, "I'd say he's a bit out of control." Someone should really put a stop to this," "He must be quite a handful at home."
As I stepped up to mail my packages I mentioned to the woman behind the counter how kind it was of her not to stop the little boy from his "job" since he seemed to be having so much fun. She responded with, "He's here a lot with his dad and is always so polite and sweet. Sometimes they're here for a 1/2 hour and each time his son places the envelopes into the slot one at a time. He once told me, "I'm helping my dad with his work and I love my dad so I love helping him." I would never stop him for that reason alone! I suppose if someone actually complained to me about it I might ask him to slow down, but I'd never ask him to stop."
I have to wonder if the people who were annoyed by this little boy might have had a different opinion if they knew what he told the clerk. I want to believe they would.
We can be quite harsh with our opinions as human beings. We observe something happening and if it doesn't fit our expectation of how that something should be happening we're often quick to judge it as wrong. It's easy to do. I know I've done this more times than I care to count. But it's moments like the little boy in the post office, and his reason for doing what he was doing, that reminds me why it's worth catching ourselves before we form our judgments so harshly.
The following quote was emailed to me and I found it to be the perfect Christmas gift.
"Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect."
-- Oren Arnold
May your holiday season be filled with love, peace and joy!
It was the coldest winter ever - many animals died because of the cold.
The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together.
This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions even though they gave off heat to each other.
After awhile they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen.
So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.
Wisely, they decided to go back to being together.
This way they learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by the close relationship with their companion, but the most important part of it, was the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.
Moral of the story:
The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but the best is when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.
For over a decade I've been helping people with their relationships and I'm the first to admit that I'm an ongoing student in this area. I read books about the subject, I listen to audio programs, attend teleseminars and I most definitely observe what takes place in my own relationships which allows me to continue growing and use personal experiences to help others with their situations.
So why am I telling you all this? Because every now and then, something I've been studying jumps out at me and touches me deeply. Which is exactly what happened with a book I just finished - The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute.
Although it's written in a non-fiction format, the teachings within the story are full of truths and just magnificent. The biggest point I want to mention here is when you're in a relationship conflict, whether that be face to face or in your own mind about another person, it's critical to know what state your heart is in. Is it at war or at peace? Because the state it's in will play a major role in how that relationship expresses itself.
The fact is, it's very possible to be in conflict with someone, a very serious conflict, and still have a heart at peace. When we see people as equals and not our inferiors or less than, our heart can remain at peace. It's easier to find solutions, to work together, to look at our own shortcomings and internal trickeries and forgive.
When we believe someone in our life needs to change but we're not willing to consider how we might also change to help the situation, our hearts are at war because we are seeing ourselves as better than or more deserving.
Sometimes we're helpful for appearance sake and nothing more. Sometimes we know we should apologize to another person and don't. Sometimes we refuse to help someone even though we know it's the right thing to do. In each of those instances we have betrayed ourselves, first and foremost, and created a heart at war. All because we've told ourselves some story that ultimately justifies our action.
"A choice to betray myself," he said, "is a choice to go to war."
"When our hearts are at war, we tend to exaggerate others' faults; that's what we call horriblilizing. We also tend to exaggerate the differences between ourselves and those we are blaming."
"...We also exaggerate the importance of anything that will justify us."
Quotes from the book.
It introduces the concept of our justification styles illustrated in 4 boxes and when we are willing to see ourselves in any of these boxes it can reveal our warring hearts. They are:
Better Than box
I Deserve box
Must Be Seen As box
Worse Than box
There are so many gems throughout this book that I felt compelled to tell you about it and invite you to get a copy for yourself because I truly believe it can have a huge impact on your relationships and allow you to see yourself more clearly.
And it's very clear to me that when my heart is at war my Gremlin is leading the way and when it's at peace my Genie is thriving.
Again, the book is - The Anatomy of Peace - Resolving the Heart of Conflict
The Arbinger Institute
Learn the Key Secret
That Will Bring You More Ease
and Fulfillment …
Even if it Feels Like You've Lost Your Soul
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