Awaken the Genie Within

Being Misunderstood

George Bernard Shaw once said - "The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them." 

Sometimes a client will tell me that the people in their life don’t understand them or will try to maintain the relationship as it has been in the past now that they’ve embarked on their journey of self-discovery and awakening to a greater truth within.

I empathize and relate deeply. In the beginning years of my personal growth, I often experienced a feeling of being misunderstood by those I was closest to. This saddened and frustrated me to no end. No matter how much I shared of my new Self – behavior, beliefs, boundaries – they just didn’t seem to want to accept it, creating anger between us and leaving me to wonder if there was anyone in my life that I could connect with anymore. With time and a new understanding on my part, all that changed.

What I’ve come to understand is it’s simply a journey and one with a process. The distance, anger, frustration and confusion are about fear. Our growth changes the dynamic of the entire relationship when people haven’t been traveling that path with us, and that can be scary. Everyone involved may wonder if it will create a permanent chasm in the relationship, or at the very worst, end it altogether – which, if I’m being perfectly honest here, is sometimes for the best.

The fact is, when we start out on our path of personal growth it takes time to evolve and we need that time in order to master our new Self. As we become trusting, comfortable and joyful with our new Self, it gives us the courage to more easily embrace greater opportunities for ongoing growth.

I have learned that it’s important to give those you want in your life, the same gift of time you gave yourself so they can make their own internal adjustments about you, the relationship and even themselves. Allow them to grow at their own pace just as you did for yourself. Allow them to attempt to maintain the status quo if that's what makes them feel safe, while you continue to do what feels best for you. Allow them their frustration without creating your own frustration.

Is it easy? Usually not. But I do know one thing for sure. The more consistently you show up as your new Self, and the more patient and loving you are with your loved ones, the safer and easier you’ll make it for them to trust the relationship in its new form, strengthening the love along the way and reaching the place of being understood.

 

 

 

 

I Don't Need Protecting

My husband and I had a meeting scheduled with a contractor last Saturday morning to discuss some work to be done on our driveway. Now, while many contractors show up later than scheduled in our experience, this gentleman was 25 minutes early.

When I saw him pull up I got annoyed and I started complaining how rude it was for this guy to show up before our scheduled time especially because it was already early for a Saturday morning.You see, my husband had gotten home from work at 1:30am and he had a rough week with very long hours, so sleep was lacking. Knowing how exhausted he was, I had just finished making him breakfast to get some fuel in him so he could think straight when talking with the contractor.  The doorbell rang and breakfast would have to wait – I was still very uptight about it.

The meeting ended a half hour later and my husband sat down to finally eat breakfast. He asked me why I was so upset about the early arrival since it wasn’t in my nature to let things like that bother me.

I told him: “You’ve worked so hard this week and got home so late every night that I was feeling very protective of your time and energy. I wanted you to get some food in you and have time to clear the cobwebs.”

He responded with: “Honey, I love that you wanted to take care of me that way, but I don’t need protecting. I’m a big boy and having to wait for some food a little while long wasn’t going to kill me. And honestly, I was happy he was early!”

That’s when I realized what I had actually done. I created an emotion in me based on the assumption that my husband would be upset with the early arrival because of his exhaustion. Therefore, I fabricated being upset for him so he didn’t get upset. I was literally trying to deflect an emotion of his - wow!

Do you ever protect people from their own emotions? The reasons can be varied but it’s worth looking at. When someone is a big boy or girl, it’s not up to us to protect them from their emotions. They're allowed whatever emotions they're having and then it's up to us to manage our own emotional energy in a way that not only supports us best but is authentic and not some fabrication of someone else's emotion. 

And you know what? You might be pleasantly surprised how the other person is feeling about the situation! Take it from someone who now knows!

 

Cats - The New Life Coach

It's quite apparent from this video that my job as a Relationship/Life Coach has been replaced by cats. Everything they share on this video is what I've said to my clients over the years and it's information worth being reminded about. If this doesn't bring a smile to your face and inspire you to have a good day you might want to give me a call! :-)

Enjoy!

 

 

Opinions

A little boy, who was 6 or 7 years old, was running in circles between his dad and the mail slot at the counter in our local post office/store. His dad was placing stamps on envelopes and the boy was placing one envelope at a time into the slot. It went on for the entire time I was there and still happening when I left.

What was fascinating to me was the different reactions people were having who were waiting in line to mail their items - the slot was at the counter which meant the boy would run by us as he did his "job". Myself and a couple of other people thought he was actually quite sweet. He always made sure he didn't bump into anyone or get in anyone's way as they stepped up to the counter. 

However, there were several people who were mumbling things to others like, "I'd say he's a bit out of control." Someone should really put a stop to this," "He must be quite a handful at home." 

As I stepped up to mail my packages I mentioned to the woman behind the counter how kind it was of her not to stop the little boy from his "job" since he seemed to be having so much fun. She responded with, "He's here a lot with his dad and is always so polite and sweet. Sometimes they're here for a 1/2 hour and each time his son places the envelopes into the slot one at a time. He once told me, "I'm helping my dad with his work and I love my dad so I love helping him." I would never stop him for that reason alone! I suppose if someone actually complained to me about it I might ask him to slow down, but I'd never ask him to stop."

I have to wonder if the people who were annoyed by this little boy might have had a different opinion if they knew what he told the clerk. I want to believe they would. 

We can be quite harsh with our opinions as human beings. We observe something happening and if it doesn't fit our expectation of how that something should be happening we're often quick to judge it as wrong. It's easy to do. I know I've done this more times than I care to count. But it's moments like the little boy in the post office, and his reason for doing what he was doing, that reminds me why it's worth catching ourselves before we form our judgments so harshly.

Happy Holidays

The following quote was emailed to me and I found it to be the perfect Christmas gift. 

"Christmas gift suggestions:  To your enemy, forgiveness.  To an opponent, tolerance.  To a friend, your heart.  To a customer, service.  To all, charity.  To every child, a good example.  To yourself, respect."  

--  Oren Arnold

May your holiday season be filled with love, peace and joy!

The Porcupine Fable

 

It was the coldest winter ever -  many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together.

This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions even though they gave off heat to each other.

After awhile they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen.

So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together.

This way they learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by the close relationship with their companion, but the most important part of it, was the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

 Moral of the story:

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but the best is when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

 

What State Is Your Heart In?

For over a decade I've been helping people with their relationships and I'm the first to admit that I'm an ongoing student in this area. I read books about the subject, I listen to audio programs, attend teleseminars and I most definitely observe what takes place in my own relationships which allows me to continue growing and use personal experiences to help others with their situations.

So why am I telling you all this? Because every now and then, something I've been studying jumps out at me and touches me deeply. Which is exactly what happened with a book I just finished - The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute. 

Although it's written in a non-fiction format, the teachings within the story are full of truths and just magnificent. The biggest point I want to mention here is when you're in a relationship conflict, whether that be face to face or in your own mind about another person, it's critical to know what state your heart is in. Is it at war or at peace? Because the state it's in will play a major role in how that relationship expresses itself.

The fact is, it's very possible to be in conflict with someone, a very serious conflict, and still have a heart at peace. When we see people as equals and not our inferiors or less than, our heart can remain at peace. It's easier to find solutions, to work together, to look at our own shortcomings and internal trickeries and forgive.

When we believe someone in our life needs to change but we're not willing to consider how we might also change to help the situation, our hearts are at war because we are seeing ourselves as better than or more deserving.

Sometimes we're helpful for appearance sake and nothing more. Sometimes we know we should apologize to another person and don't. Sometimes we refuse to help someone even though we know it's the right thing to do. In each of those instances we have betrayed ourselves, first and foremost, and created a heart at war. All because we've told ourselves some story that ultimately justifies our action.

"A choice to betray myself," he said, "is a choice to go to war." 

"When our hearts are at war, we tend to exaggerate others' faults; that's what we call horriblilizing. We also tend to exaggerate the differences between ourselves and those we are blaming."

"...We also exaggerate the importance of anything that will justify us."
Quotes from the book.

It introduces the concept of our justification styles illustrated in 4 boxes and when we are willing to see ourselves in any of these boxes it can reveal our warring hearts. They are:

Better Than box
I Deserve box
Must Be Seen As box
Worse Than box

There are so many gems throughout this book that I felt compelled to tell you about it and invite you to get a copy for yourself because I truly believe it can have a huge impact on your relationships and allow you to see yourself more clearly.  

And it's very clear to me that when my heart is at war my Gremlin is leading the way and when it's at peace my Genie is thriving.

Again, the book is - The Anatomy of Peace - Resolving the Heart of Conflict 
The Arbinger Institute

It's Everywhere - Start Noticing

A few days ago I had some extra time in the morning to sit with a cup of tea and read the paper, thoroughly. Well, by the time I was close to being done I found that my energy was not in a place of joy. I had been internalizing a lot of what I was reading and decided I needed to shift my energy, fast. I was not a happy camper and I had only been up for an hour!

So I got ready to go out to do the many errands I had planned for that day. While driving, I had to slow down as a little boy and his mother were crossing the street heading toward the mailbox. What I witnessed was so precious. Mom lifted her son up and let him put the letter in the mailbox - he was so excited! They hugged and then skipped back across the street. The simplicity of that action, creating so much joy and love, made my heart soar. 

While walking out of the grocery store I saw a woman struggling with her bags. Out of nowhere a gentleman appeared and offered to take two of the bags from her - she was extremely grateful. They proceeded to walk to her car and when the task was complete she thanked him again, hugged him gently and then they went their separate ways both smiling from ear to ear.

My last stop was the post office. While waiting in line a conversation started up between the two people in front of me - an older gentleman and a young mom with her new baby. He was admiring the baby and started sharing some of his memories about when he was a new dad. There was much kindness taking place in the conversation and with genuine interest from both parties. As he got to the front of the line he said, "Wow, it's so much nicer waiting in line when you have someone to connect with. The time flew by. Thank you!" And she responded with, "The pleasure was all mine." 

When I left my house that morning I was feeling a bit depressed. By the time I got home I was on cloud nine. My time out reminded me that love, generosity, kindness and genuine human connection are everywhere - we just have to notice it. More times than not it's right in front of us and we don't notice it because we're so busy thinking about a million other things that it doesn't allow us to be present.  

It's just too easy to read the paper and listen to the negativity of the news and think that's all the world consists of. But the truth is, there's so much good in the world and people, at their core, are wonderful. The more we open our eyes and start noticing, the more it shows up in our day to day life.

Put It Down For A Moment

A wonderful client sent me an email about stress and dealing with the burdens in life.
I wanted to share some of what was written because it's a great reminder when dealing with day to day life stuff. I don't know the origin of the author so I can't give credit as I like to do.

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A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?"

Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.

The lecturer replied. "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, the burden will become increasingly heavy: and we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. So before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down: don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can."

"...Put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while." 

The lecturer goes on to share some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

• Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. 

• Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. 

• Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. 

• If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

• It may be that your sole purpose in life is to be kind to others.

• Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on. 

• Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 

• Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. 

• The second mouse gets the cheese. 

• When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 

• Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. 

• You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. 

• We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box. (My Favorite!)

  
  

• A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. 

  
  

  So if the burdens of life are becoming more than you can handle, put down whatever is weighing you down and take a rest. You may find that it's just not worth picking it back up. However, if you really feel the need to pick it back up again, it will most likely be there waiting for you - your Gremlin will make sure of that!

Bring Them Along

22 years ago I had my son and 22 years ago my life changed in ways I never imagined. If you're a parent, I know you know what I'm talking about. If you're not, that's okay - read on because this pertains to you, too. 

Not only did the dynamics in my relationship with my husband change after we had our son, but who I was becoming as a person was changing quickly. As the days, weeks and months passed it was very clear to me that I would never be able to go back to who I was or how I interacted with the people in my life. Becoming a mother, quite simply, had a huge impact on me and therefore, an impact with everyone I was closest to in my life - especially my wonderful husband.

As time went by I spoke very little about what was happening inside of me and that frustrated certain people in my life because they felt like they were losing me. I kept thinking, as soon as I get to where I'm headed emotionally and spiritually, then I'll start sharing. But after much turmoil in my marriage I came to the realization that I'd better start sharing now or this could be the end for us. My willingness to be vulnerable and honest about what I was going through was what allowed me to not only become more clear throughout my journey more quickly, but it strengthened all my relationships.

Because of this experience and other growing pains I've had throughout my life, I always encourage my friends, family and clients to share some of the changes they're going through with those who are effected the most by those changes.

When I ask people, "Are you waiting to get to the end result of your change before you're willing to let people in?" The answer is always a resounding, "YES!" And it's resounding because they never thought of it like that. The truth is, if we're interested in self-growth and creating as much inner peace as possible, then there's really no end to reach because we're just perpetually expanding emotionally and spiritually and that's wonderful.

When you inform your loved ones about the changes you're going through, even if you don't have complete clarity about what that is, you're at least keeping them connected to you so they don't feel like they're losing you. And, yes, it's very scary for everyone involved when someone is changing and others aren't. It's scary for you because you're not sure where this will lead you and how your life will be different. It's scary for your loved ones who want to keep things status quo because they're comfortable with the way things are. But when people truly love you, when they want you to be happy, they will come around. And as you share information along the way, and they see clarity and joy growing in you, you get to be a great example of encouragement for them to do the same for themselves without ever having to tell them so.

So bring them along and allow them to witness your journey not as a spectator who doesn't understand what they're observing, but as someone who's been included, so they better understand you, what you're going through, and how you're choosing to play the game of LIFE - Living In Full Expansion